I really enjoyed my job. While it wasn’t anything I thought I would be doing (I went to school and received my Bachelor of Arts in Human Environmental Studies with an Emphasis in Child Development, then went on to receive my Master of Arts in Teaching), I actually enjoyed the computer work, talking out issues, helping solve those issues, pretending like I knew how to use Photoshop and putting the rebate pictures and information together, and other various tasks that I took on. But I also really love my kids. My bosses were always understanding when I needed to stay home with the kiddos, if they were sick or off school. They were also happy to see me back at work, especially after long bouts of the kids trading off sick germs, but they never made me feel guilty for needing to stay home. But I also really loved staying home with the kiddos. A working mom’s job is tough (staying at home doesn’t mean eating dark chocolate and watching talk shows, it’s tough too, more on that later). It was hard to leave my kiddos at school, but they were there with family and that certainly made it easier. And the staff was helpful and loving, and that helped too. But there’s only so much time between pick up, dinner, bath, books, and bedtime for me to really see where they blossom or need help developmentally. Or just spending quality time with them. I tried, but we were definitely crunched for time.
I had already quit my job twice (three times? It’s hard to keep up) but I ended up staying every time (stories left for another day). Something was pulling me back to work, but I also felt an obligation to my kids to stay home and give this a try. I can honestly say that most of it was being scared that our budget would go from “comfortable/making it paycheck to paycheck” to “not even close” after I decided to stay home. And how valued would I be by my husband, my kids, others in general, after I stayed home? Would the kiddos drive me insane? A huge possibility. But how do you know until you try?
Recently, I had a seizure at work. I take daily medicine for epilepsy, and I’ve had seizures since I was a baby. We don’t know the main cause or reason for my seizures, but they’ve always been controlled with medication. Funny-ish (not) story, I was on medication when I had the seizure at work. My life had gotten a little haggard, I was busy with the kids and family, planning a surprise party, staying up late to sew bow ties and suspenders for my small business, not getting nearly enough sleep as I needed, and just dealing with life’s general stressors and goings-on.
More details, maybe, to come in another post, but this particular seizure left me with a lot of anxiety. I like to think of myself as happy-go-lucky and fairly flexible when it comes to life, this anxiety is new. And I’m not a fan. Add that to being reliant on other people (I can’t drive for 6 months) and I’m living a different life than before.
After talking with my doctor, it was decided that I needed some time off. Then, after talking with my sweet husband, it was decided that I should just quit and stay home with the children. For real.
And I’m certainly not saying that staying home will be a sweet ride. I will be stuck. At home. With children. I can ride my bike and they can ride behind in the kiddie trailer. (Update: neurologist recommended walking/running instead, since falling off a bike (with or without kids attached) is a rougher landing than just falling while walking.) But riding to somewhere isn’t that worrisome, it’s the having to get back home that will be tricky. The oldest is in 4th grade, and while he would rather play an electronic or play with buddies, he can be helpful when needed and he is a great big brother. He will be in school the majority of the time. The littlest is in an extra helpful stage, and is sweet as pie and huggable as all get out. But the middle kiddo…he is 4…he is my payback for being me, as a child. Like many 4-year-olds, he is helpful, sweet, funny, defiant, bossy, loving, loud, mischievous, and so much more. That, in and of itself, will be challenging. But, it will be fun and challenging. And isn’t that pretty much every dream job? Also, hopefully Good Samaritans (aka grandparents and good friends, I’m lookin’ at you) will drop in for visits or offer car rides. Hint, hint. Just kidding (maybe).
My hope for the future is that I get back to my early childhood roots with my own children. I can’t wait to share some of my favorite activities with them, and see where they lead me. I also look forward to continuing my small business, and working on my anxiety. And if it turns out that I suck as a stay at home mom and the kiddos drive me to near insanity, I know a great little workplace that is hiring.